Confounded

And an old story beckons of days gone by from distant thoughts and dreams. It calls to me. "Oh dear Nathan, where am I now? Am I just fleeting thoughts into your head?"

I was at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena early this night after seeing the movie: The Master. I don't think I can "unwatch" that film. Such truths are a tragic reality.

It made me think about how I was certain I could do a better job than that. That thought put me onto the concept that I could indeed do a better job than that. For the longest time all I wanted to do was make movies. I never thought I would let that go.

That dream feels so lost to me now. I feel like I have abandoned a deep love in my soul and I have betrayed something pure and wonderful. Has every attempt that ended in utter destruction really left me so jaded?

There was a time when this very post wouldn't have ever been a thought in my mind but today I stand here truly confounded.

Here I am pulled between two extremes. In one hand are all of my hopes and dreams that I always swore to the Gods that I would never abandon and the pursuit of those dreams have only been hindered by life. Were all of those obstacles put into place to make the realization of those dreams that much sweeter tasting and appreciated? Lord knows that the upbringing of my life gave me enough situations where I can be truly thankful with very little.

Then on the other extreme is the desire to eat. The desire to be able to do something with the degree that I have after I have obtained it. I have a love of science that is a certainty, but I feel as if my pursuit of it is based on empty hopes.

I am going to be 30 this year and every day that approaches I feel like I am trading something, and if I keep on this path there is something that I am never going to get back. We have no crystal balls or magic mirrors so do we play the victim of our fears?

Nathan Out