On Nathan History and Spirituality.

I was doing origami at work today. Somehow we (my coworkers and I) got onto the topic of the afterlife. I was asked why I believe that life continues. I did not know how to answer it, but tonight, at four O'Clock in the morning, the answer came to me. It's going to sound crazy but I swear to you it is true.

One night I awoke calmly from my slumber in a hospital bed. A boy, that slept in the bed next to mine, was walking towards the door from his bed. A warm serene man held him by the hand. Much like you would by crossing the street with your young child. The two of them stopped. The man approached by bed. He touched my arm and said to me with a smile that almost matched the glow of his eyes. I felt warm all over as he said: "You're going to be just fine." The room I was in seemed to shift or phase back into reality. Where the man had touched my arm was a nurse drawing blood. I was disorientated and a little confused. I looked to my left and my mother was sitting next to me crying. I asked her, as best a six-year-old who had really no idea what was going on, "what's wrong mommy?"

Every time I look at my mother I am reminded of this moment. This shared and powerful experience. My mother looked at me and she said that she was afraid I was going to die, and that she didn't want to lose me. She had already lost one child - Wesley, an older brother I never knew, and I could see, even then, she wouldn't be able to handle it. I looked at her and I could see everything that made her who she is. I think I remember smiling. I said: "Don't worry, Jesus told me everything was going to be fine."

I am not exactly certain but memory seems to remind me that the boy who was sleeping next to me had died. A couple days later I, who doctors said only stood a prayer of a chance, walked out of the hospital not completely well but alive nonetheless.

That moment in my life changed me forever. Children who are sick enough to die and witness their family members look upon them as if they will never see the child again grow up different. Children who are the recipients of the most powerful prayer a mother prays will not be the same as everyone else. They will not have a peer group. Everything to them will be sacred and wonderful. And truth? Well, they'll just have to look inside of themselves for it. I don't have words for it. I wish I could express it. They just become different. They become the fifth grader who meditates under a tree instead of plays handball, regardless of how much the other kids mock him. They stand up to bullies and make friends of the meek. They know the answer to deep internal questions but have words to express them. They talk to rocks and walk the streets by night because the moon has something to teach them.

As you can see, this moment, for all of it's greatness and wonder and pleasantries,  has equally messed me up. I do not find comfort in churches. Pagan rites bore me and atheist, pardon my french, piss me off.

I am not religious and when people ask me if I've found Jesus all I can do is smile at them. I do not believe in God. That does not mean what you think it does. I do not believe in belief. I do not know but I feel that at that moment in my childhood I was touched by God. If you could only wrap your mind around how much God loves everything and everyone, regardless of anything, you would want to kill yourself to be with God. (Don't kill yourself, just wait a while.)

I am consumed by seeking the truth. Stories of reincarnation, near death experiences, the nature of life. These are the things that make me most excited. I wish there was a way to make money at it.

I really do feel that I have a deeply privileged position in this matter. It is a position I am only now beginning to truly understand.

On Spirituality.

When confronted with a question one does not want to answer silence is not golden. Silence becomes a vehicle of torture that is extremely difficult to overcome.

I have recently, and for quite a few years honestly, felt that I have lost touch with my spiritual side.

I remember a time when I felt the wind speaking to me directly. The sun reflecting off of the moon a source of love in my life. The sun, hotter than I ever wanted it, was something I took great joy in greeting every morning. I would go out for walks out on the dyke a mile past the street and watch as the colors of the world came from darkness into life. That was every morning.

It was a time when music wasn't just sound but it was capable of touching even the smallest vibrations of my soul.

I feel that for the past few years I have lost that very important part of me. That part of me that reminded me that I was part of a greater life force.

Perhaps it was science that did it. Perhaps it was the destructive force of spiritual bullshit that I unfortunately had to deal with. Tragically I feel that experience hurt another person who never deserved it. I know the result on my end is a person lost trying to find a way to reclaim my spiritual truths and overly cautious that I may be crazy with what I find.

I feel deeply that I am beyond the conservative spirituality that modern religion offers. Almost at a point of starting my own, as friends would fondly recall the days of my proclaimed Natheism. By the way, the only requirement is that you believe I exist, so unless you're crazy, you're all Natheist. It is my religion, I might add some more rules later.

I remember in my youth I listened to heavy metal because I thought the darkness was where I belonged. Even now I still dress up and go to the occasional goth club but I have learned that it was the darkness that I loved, it was the calm. The quiet. The thoughts that come when all else is dreaming. It is the darkness that feeds into me at times I wish to be creative. I have written a 90 page screenplay in one night. The darkness is the essence of creativity. Ask any writer, they all work well into the night and early morning. I may be a "goth" but that is not my spiritual essence (no matter how much I loved the Gothic Tarot) it is only an identifier of the self.

I have learned of another book which tells you that you have the knowledge inside and you know it to be true.

In my never ending quest to discover spiritual truth I have now started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle on the recommendation of Jim Carrey.

LITTLE RED EQUAL SIGNS

Perhaps you have noticed the red equal signs hitting social media. That is because people are standing united behind a decision the Supreme Court should make regarding the allowing of marriage between same sex couples. I’m not going to change my profile picture. It’s not that I don’t support people born of the same sexual traits enjoying a life together in whatever ceremony they choose, I have and forever will be a supporter of human rights: the only rights that matter. In a way, it is that which this post is about. I just know pictures aren't going to change anything.

This is a post about the United States of America’s Supreme Court Justices (the last line of defense between citizens and tyranny) planned ruling on the modern today’s issues of Gay Marriage.

I am going to make a prediction: they aren’t going to rule on anything.

I have this feeling because I know the state of affairs in this country.

To the great success of our ruling class they have turned the commoners stupid. They played their cards and plebeians lost as they always do. You see, in our self-righteousness, arrogance, and ignorance we argue and banter back and fourth. When reading used to only belong to the wealthy, and then suddenly everyone could read, the wealthy created media and now no one wants to.

People who preach about the first amendment rights don’t like the rights the second amendment grants. The people who like the second amendment rights don’t like the first amendment rights. Tragically no one knows what the 9^th amendment is, because that is what is at stake.

Without continuing to read, do you know what the 9^th amendment states?

The 9^th Amendment of the Constitution:

The enumeration (list) in the Constitution, of certain rights (all amendments of the Constitution), shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Don’t worry, even scholars are baffled at what this means. It is truthfully not very clear but this amendment is what the Supreme Court should consider. 

At it’s core this amendment was designed to protect any and all rights NOT listed in the Constitution.

This is what should be done, but I fear that our Supreme Court is full of cowards who do not understand the weight they carry. The reality is that Prop 8 never should have happened. The government does not have the power to limit it’s citizens in their humanistic freedom and it has the obligation to recognize those people and their freedoms.

Our politicians are silver spoon fed aristocrats who have no idea what it is to suffer the pain of the peasants they rule over. Never seeing the darkness and hatred that certain groups of people experience just because of who they are.

There is a much bigger issue at stake here. An issue that can be placed into a single concept.

You have to ask yourself a question, and it is a deep and profound question. Regardless of everything, should there be any government force allowed to tell you who you can and cannot marry? 

Are there no such thing as simple answers?

I find that the problem isn't that there are no simple answers. The problem is that most people want the answers to really complicated questions but lack the mental fortitude to either find the answer for themselves or be given the correct answer by another because the correct answer requires the person asking the question to listen.

I am reminded of one time when I was at work at the gas station a woman asked me why the store that I worked at didn't accept credit cards. I began to tell her: "Well ma'am, the credit card companies charge 3% for every sale and this establishment only makes anywhere between 1-4 pennies per gallon..." At this point the woman interrupted me and said: "I don't need to know all of that."

Politely as possible I returned the statement and said: "Miss, you asked me a question and now I am giving you an answer, if you want to get your petroleum from here you will listen to my answer or take your money somewhere else." The lady looked at me blankly and I assumed that meant go ahead and continue. "As we only make 1-4 pennies a gallon for us to pay say VISA 3% of our cost of gas which is currently 3 dollars a gallon we would be paying anywhere from 8 - 5 cents a gallon just so you can use your credit card. As a corporate whole, British Petroleum doesn't really care about people that much, just look at what the CEO said about the oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico in response to his employees dying, all he wanted was his old life back."

The lady left, pumped her gas and I never saw her again.

A couple of questions came up, and I know what you're all thinking: 'How in the hell did you never get fired?' That's a good question, just accept that I am in fact quite amazing. That being said:

I probably never even made a dent in her thought process and she could care less, yet, here I am, years later, wondering to myself what she is doing now. Is she alive, does she still care that AMPM (the smart ones) don't take credit cards?

Why am I sitting here wondering about this lady who had no impact on my life at all? Anyone have the complicated answer? I have the mind to listen, I promise.

02/12/2013

WARNING: EXTREME CONTENT BELOW. FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY
































I haven't been able to sleep and I'm not certain if I will be able to any time soon. I can't eat because I still feel like throwing up. Last night, after fixing a computer with my friend Skippy (Chris for the uninitiated) I headed out to Inglewood, CA to check on my friend that I had not heard from for a few days.

The fact that I had not heard from him in a few days was not suspicious behavior. Often times I would call on him and he would not answer his phone. I got to his house around 12:45 am. I walked up to the Condo and pressed the button on the speaker and joyfully declared: Wake up! It's the Nathan, Wake Up! I waited and there was nothing. I walked through the front entrance and to door number one. I knocked on the door and there was no answer.

In my possession I had the keys to the front door because Rudd had them. I unlocked the door and the stillness of everything hit me not even a millisecond after I opened the door. The TV was on but nothing was being watched. There was an empty six pack of beer on the coffee table. I slowly walked past the kitchen. I stopped and couldn't move forward anymore. I was frozen there afraid to face what in my heart I knew was to be the truth.

I walked past the bookshelf and to the steps. Before I went upstairs I went downstairs hoping that the car was gone but it wasn't. Jeff was home.

I walked back up the steps as slowly as I could. I turned the corner where the first bathroom was. What I saw was not anything that resembled my friend. I couldn't help myself and I vomited.

They say that violent media content desensitizes you. I am going to say that I have seen a lot of crazy things in my life both on screen and in person. There is nothing that prepared me for that. It is something that I never want to see again. The emotional swing from joyful "wake up!" to the sinking reality of what I was witnessing is enough to shatter the soul and truth be told I felt a piece of me leave when I laid eyes on the shell that held one of my best friends.

I called 911 and for the next few hours I answered questions and sat in my car. Phone calls were made. I couldn't feel anything at all. That is apparently called shock.

The coroner said that it appears he had passed of a heart attack and that he had been gone for a few days but not yet a week.

I sit here and there is really only one truth that I know, and I know it to be true. Who we are is not what we are. That from this world we depart when all of our lessons are learned. There is nothing that can stop death. The only thing that matters are the memories you leave behind. Jeff left some amazing memories that I will cherish for as long as life allows me. His heart was enormous and wonderful. He possessed a spark of life and for all his demons that he fought (we all have demons) sometimes we just have to accept when all is said and done the next time we will see him is when we all walk upon the white shores.

You were and still are, and in other hearts will be forever loved.

Confounded

And an old story beckons of days gone by from distant thoughts and dreams. It calls to me. "Oh dear Nathan, where am I now? Am I just fleeting thoughts into your head?"

I was at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena early this night after seeing the movie: The Master. I don't think I can "unwatch" that film. Such truths are a tragic reality.

It made me think about how I was certain I could do a better job than that. That thought put me onto the concept that I could indeed do a better job than that. For the longest time all I wanted to do was make movies. I never thought I would let that go.

That dream feels so lost to me now. I feel like I have abandoned a deep love in my soul and I have betrayed something pure and wonderful. Has every attempt that ended in utter destruction really left me so jaded?

There was a time when this very post wouldn't have ever been a thought in my mind but today I stand here truly confounded.

Here I am pulled between two extremes. In one hand are all of my hopes and dreams that I always swore to the Gods that I would never abandon and the pursuit of those dreams have only been hindered by life. Were all of those obstacles put into place to make the realization of those dreams that much sweeter tasting and appreciated? Lord knows that the upbringing of my life gave me enough situations where I can be truly thankful with very little.

Then on the other extreme is the desire to eat. The desire to be able to do something with the degree that I have after I have obtained it. I have a love of science that is a certainty, but I feel as if my pursuit of it is based on empty hopes.

I am going to be 30 this year and every day that approaches I feel like I am trading something, and if I keep on this path there is something that I am never going to get back. We have no crystal balls or magic mirrors so do we play the victim of our fears?

Nathan Out